You know I don’t care now, whatever is gonna happen to me it’s gonna be worth of what I deserve. I look upon the stars with a terrible hope to join them someday, maybe soon enough. I feel different, I have this unrest inside me. The kind you can’t fight, the unstoppable feeling of suffocation. Like something is pulling you inside, your throat becomes heavy you’re unable to say anything. That small amount of pain, it’s so elegant in a way because you’ll never be able to explain it to anyone. It just can be felt not understood. The pain of being heartbroken, of knowing you won’t last long. Of knowing that you can’t be happy, The pain is unparalleled.
Do you know how much heartache it needs for someone to get self destructive?
When you’ve opened yourself so much to someone that they know all about you including your vulnerabilities, they know what hurts you and what’s surely going to kill you. Isn’t that amazing ? Leaving your life in someone hands , making yourself beg to not to die because of them? Can you love someone so much that you can be happy if they kill you for their happiness and not see what you’re going through. Yes, love can be that tricky. Love can make you feel like a failure, make you self destruct. It can make you see yourself in a position where dying seems easy than going through what you don’t deserve.
Being in love is easy, fighting for it is easy. But knowing that you have to suffer with the one you love , to overcome every worse nightmarish situations together is the toughest thing to do.
That’s what it takes, love doesn’t ask you to fight for it. It ask for your patience, your strength and you obsession with each other to face every thing that comes in way.
When everything goes fine and suddenly in one day, everything shatters right in front of your eyes. It breaks you, from the deepest portions in your soul to the extend where you see no end to the pain.
You know what it takes to make yourself self destructive?
– One bad day.
Yes, it might be going on from a long time but you have hopes, you have your courage, you convince yourself that you can make it work, that you can make it right and you try to put that optimism into your other half but it turns out to the opposite. It kills all your hopes and all your efforts in that one instance.
You ask yourself the some questions that comes firstly into your heart and they stay there forever.
WHY ? Why is this happening? Did I do something wrong? Why me ?
You ask yourself if it was not my fault then why am I getting punished ?
The love you have gives you the strength to hold on, to wait and to try again. And again. Because you can’t see youself without something you built with love and cared for it and nurtured it for years. You want it, you don’t understand how but you want it all back. You remember all the little things you both did together to very small details. All those memories, no matter how small they seem to be, they give you strength. Your love gives you strength to be there even if they want to leave, but it doesn’t gives you the power to handle yourself from the thoughts that you’re not needed anymore. That you’re the past for someone you made your future with. That you’re the one in their old books when you are still writing another chapter. After everything, you don’t have any reasons from them and it kills you more. You wonder if you’re not enough for them anymore?
You provide yourself the false hopes you were once fed , because you love them to the extend that there’s no end to it. You can’t see past them. It’s true that there’s always one person loving other more than they do. You risked everything from them and you never asked anything in return and even after being so selfless all you got was the memories you made together.
You love them but they don’t want you. It’s the most hurtful thing any one can go through.
But you still try, everyday. To get them back, to convince them that you can be better. That you can make it work.
You love her, and being self destructive comes as a perk.
Stay, I’ll make it worth.
We all have our stories, we all have our heartbreaks.
It’s been so many years we were together and now look at where we’re heading. We’re parting ways and I can tell that you’re now far gone. I miss you so much I can’t breathe.
I tried my best to let you know that I’ll try again and again to make you happy. I know I was not perfect but I’ll try to be, isn’t that worth staying?
I didn’t wanna write this as I go along with days filled with tears in my eyes, pain in the chest and a cigarette in my mouth, but I realize how happy you are. It calms me for a minute but then I do not see myself near you and it torns me apart to know that I’m not there to share your happiness or am not the reason for it anymore.
My absence does not haunts you?
Don’t you feel the void in your life?
Don’t you think I deserve a second chance? That WE deserve a second chance?
Am sorry for whatever wrong I unknowingly did.
I don’t want to argue, I never wanted to. I made you sad but I don’t know the reason for it, am innocent yet I feel the guilt that you left because of something I did. I always wanted to love you and nothing else, all I demanded was love and nothing else.
I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME AGAIN !
Is it too much to ask ?